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Letter: Cutting Boards are No Place for a Warrior

Updated: Jan 9, 2019

To: Calphalon

Dearest Person to Whom the Email is Sent,

I hope it is okay that I take a familial tone with you in this email because, although we have never met, your company's name has plastered my household products since the days of yore. Therefore, I have come to think of the Calphalon brand as an extended family member. Albeit, a family member who's name is not easily pronounced. Like that time my cousin Steve married Анастасия...we just call her Anna. But I would bet $10 her name is pronounced "money pit" because Steve has been broke since he met her.

This email today is because I was cutting salsiccia a few days ago and the blade of my "Contemporary Chef's Knife" broke from the handle. I am fairly confident my ridiculous strength is to blame for the breakage, and would never fault the construction of your beautiful knives. I mean, my last visit to the gym was roughly 2 years ago, but I have been keeping active on the protein, needless to say, my strength is wicked.

Before we delve into warranty claims I think it is only fair that I disclose that I am not a chef, yet the knife in question was a "chef's knife"... I probably shouldn't have been anywhere near that knife. To my credit, I will assert that my confidence in using said knife stems from both my cursory understanding of french culinary terms and because I have watched every youtube video that either has Gordon Ramsay in it or mentions him in some manner (side note: there are a ton of people who want to see that man in the nude...seriously, it's weird. I get it, but it's weird).

Now that we have cleared the air I would like to ask that your company do one of two things to rectify the broken knife situation: (1) being a “diamond in the rough”, I would like Calphalon to sponsor me on a trip to the Cave of Wonders. I promise to bring back a Genie with perfect comedic timing and metals that will make Calphalon knives the strongest the world has ever seen, or (2) send me a video of the Calphalon support team recreating the 1982 Wham! music video entitled "Wham! Rap!".

Looking forward to your response. And "may your New Year be ever in your favor". I know that quote ain't exactly right...but, then again, I also wasn't a big fan of Seabiscuit (that's the correct movie, right?). It's either that one or Mr. Deeds, but I would give up the rest of my Calphalon knife set if Anna was right about which movie that quote came from.

Thanks, and ever yours, Ryan

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