To: Blue Diamond Almonds
Dear Mark D. Jansen,
As president and CEO of Blue Diamond Almonds I believe you are the right man to address with my recent interaction with your stone fruit. I saw a picture of a 5-month old "future grower" named Mason on your website and considered addressing this letter to him. However, as a grower-owned cooperative, I felt singling out Mason was a move that would be scorned by 5-month-olds everywhere.
Before I continue, I want to let you know that any spelling errors and/or poor grammar are the result of the copious amount of tears I am currently shedding as a result of the story I am about to unfold. You can think of this as a Tarantino-style story, whereby I provide you the ending first. Now let's go back...
I am addicted to your almonds. Every flavor is amazingly good and I find myself constantly snacking on them. I mean, with 6 grams of protein per serving plus the scientifically unproven claims that eating 1.5 ounces of almonds each day lowers the risk of heart disease...what is not to love about almonds?!?!? (By the way, I do not need science to help me understand the risks of heart disease. I can see it in Mason's 5-month old eyes that he knows enough about this subject for both of us).
Today, I was snacking on the Salt 'n Vinegar flavored almonds. The can provides the "smart snacking" logo; which I mistakenly took to mean that if you snacked on the almonds then you would be unable to do stupid things.
Unfortunately, I was wrong. As I got to the end of the can, a few almonds were rolling around the bottom. As
I tipped the can up to my mouth to get the last morsels of "intense taste" I could not hear any movement of the almonds. Was I wrong? Did I already finish the damn can?
I opened my eyes to scope it out just as all the salt and vinegar seasonings came tumbling out...right into both, widely-opened, eyeballs. Was this enough to make me stop? Nope! Just before the seasoning hit my eyes I noticed two almonds still in the can.
Just as a dipsomaniac tries desperately to get the last of the booze in a bottle, I began slamming the bottom of the can to release those two almonds. Still keeping my "eyes on the prize".
I currently sit with two eyeballs full of flavoring that no one I work with is willing to lick out. However, I am happy to report that those two remaining drupes are safely working their magic on my heart.
As a preventative safety measure I request you update the "Smart Snacking" branding to say "Smart Snacking, not for idiots". This would serve a visual reminder to men everywhere that snacking can be bad for you if do something dumb. Also, I say "men everywhere" because no woman will ever be this dumb. I haven't met every woman on the planet, but I have met enough to provide a non-scientifically-proven claim that women are simply not the biggest idiots on the planet.
Looking forward to your response and seeing the new labeling rolling out soon.